The Phrases shared by My Dad Which Rescued Me when I became a New Father

"In my view I was just in survival mode for a year."

Ex- reality TV personality Ryan Libbey expected to manage the demands of being a father.

However the truth rapidly became "very different" to his expectations.

Life-threatening health complications around the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was forced into becoming her primary caregiver as well as looking after their newborn son Leo.

"I took on all the nights, every change… each outing. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

Following nearly a year he burnt out. It was a conversation with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he needed help.

The direct statement "You are not in a good place. You need assistance. In what way can I assist you?" opened the door for Ryan to speak honestly, look for assistance and find a way back.

His experience is not uncommon, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now more accustomed to discussing the strain on mums and about post-natal depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan feels his struggles are linked to a larger inability to talk between men, who often internalise negative notions of manhood.

Men, he says, tend to think they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a display of being weak to ask for help. I failed to do that soon enough," he adds.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert specialising in mental health surrounding childbirth, notes men can be reluctant to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - particularly ahead of a mother and child - but she emphasises their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad offered him the space to request a respite - going on a couple of days abroad, away from the domestic setting, to see things clearly.

He came to see he had to make a shift to consider his and his partner's emotions alongside the logistical chores of looking after a new baby.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -reassuring touch and listening to her.

Reparenting yourself'

That insight has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now writing Leo weekly letters about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will see as he matures.

Ryan thinks these will assist his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and understand his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - whose name is Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, profound emotional pain meant his father struggled to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing feelings led him to make "bad choices" when younger to alter how he was feeling, turning in substance use as a way out from the hurt.

"You gravitate to behaviours that aren't helpful," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you are feeling, but they will in the end cause more harm."

Strategies for Managing as a New Dad

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a friend, your spouse or a therapist about your state of mind. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - make time for the things that made you feel like the person you were before the baby arrived. It could be playing sport, socialising or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the body - nutritious food, physical activity and when you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is coping.
• Meet other first-time fathers - sharing their journeys, the challenges, and also the joys, can help to put into perspective how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - taking care of yourself is the most effective way you can look after your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the death, having had no contact with him for years.

As a dad now, Stephen's determined not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead provide the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a tantrum, for example, they do "shaking the feelings out" together - processing the emotions safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they confronted their issues, transformed how they talk, and learned to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I have improved at… dealing with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I put that down in a letter to Leo the other week," Ryan adds. "I wrote, on occasion I think my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but the truth is, it's a exchange. I am discovering an equal amount as you are in this journey."